Beneath every carer there is a parent, partner, sibling, or friend. We don’t start out in our relationship to the person we care for as a carer. But sometimes when you become their carer you can lose some of that other relationship.
Your relationships with other people may also change due to your caring role. Perhaps you don’t have as much time to spend with your friends and family, or maybe they don’t understand your decision to be a carer.
Role changes
Every relationship has roles or expectations. An example might be that one partner does all the practical things at home, while the other manages paperwork and admin.
Taking on a caring role might subvert these expectations. It’s normal to feel sad or angry about things changing, but it can help to think about what has changed and why. This can help you either to accept the changes, or to realise that you need support.
Think about:
- What sort of things did you do before you became a carer, such as hobbies, work, socialising?
- What was the relationship like with the person you now care for, before you became a carer?
- What sort of roles and responsibilities did you have in relation to the person you now care for?
- What sort of roles and responsibilities did the person you care for have in relation to you?
Communication
Every relationship has ‘rules’ about what is and isn’t talked about, usually unspoken rules that we learn as children. This isn’t necessarily bad, and it’s normal to feel uncomfortable talking about some topics. But it’s important not to let these rules hold you back from saying something important. For example, you might want to tell the person you care for that you need to take a break. Admitting that you are struggling might mean breaking one of the relationship ‘rules,’ but it needs to be done, because it’s important for you to get some rest.
Remember:
- Negative feelings won’t disappear just by keeping them to yourself.
- Whilst other people might not like what you want to say, you still have a right to say it.
- Communication is a two-way process – it’s about what you say, but also who is listening.
Dealing with feelings
Becoming a carer can cause complicated feelings about other people in your life. You may feel jealous or resentful of your friends who do not have caring responsibilities. You may also resent the person you care for, and the role you have had to take on. This is normal and doesn’t make you a bad person.
Happy feelings can cause difficulty too. You may feel guilty for having a good day, when the person you care for is struggling.
Think about:
- How you deal with negative feelings, such as sadness or anger. Do you try to ignore them, do you explode, do you bottle them up?
- How you deal with other people’s negative feelings. Do you try to ignore them, or do you feel comfortable dealing with them?
- Do you ever stop yourself from feeling happy? If so, how? What do you feel instead – sad, angry, guilty?
Process of change
It is human nature to find change difficult. Think about the changes that have occurred since you became a carer. Go over the change graph – do you feel stuck anywhere in that process?
What you can do if it gets too much
You don’t have to deal with the changes to your relationships alone. VOCAL’s counselling service may be helpful if you are struggling.
If your relationships are breaking down or you are struggling to communicate, advocacy can be useful. Here are some advocacy resources:
VoiceAbilty provides advocacy for unpaid carers of adults aged 18+.
Kindred provides advocacy for parents and carers of children with complex needs.
Partners in Advocacy support carers of adults with a mental health condition, or young people aged 14-25 with a learning disability. They can provide advocacy during periods of transition, for example the person you care for coming home from hospital or moving into supported living.
MECOPP advocates on behalf of ethnically minoritised carers who support an adult family member.
